Friendships often involve a strong emotional bond to
someone. As long as the friendship is healthy and thriving, that bond is a good
thing. When a friendship takes a turn for the worst, that bond sometimes makes
it hard to have a clean break. This can lead to former friends being subtle, or
open, enemies. If you feel that you are in this situation, you have to identify
the signs of an unfriendly friend, let go of the friendship, and neutralize any
negative actions that your former friend takes against you.
Friends will often share their
opinions on a host of things, from your clothes to your significant other.
These opinions come from a genuine interest in your life, whether it’s good or
bad. If your friend offers you constructive criticism that has a positive
intent, that is acceptable. If they consistently bring you down with negative
and overly critical opinions about you and your life, then it might be time to
have a conversation with them about where the friendship is going wrong.
A friend offering constructive
criticism might pull you to the side and say something like “Have you noticed
that the shoes you are wearing have a hole in them? You might want to put on
something else before we go out.”
Someone who is being overly critical
may address the same situation by calling you out in front of everyone and
saying something like “Seriously? You are wearing shoes with holes in them.
Don’t you have a better pair?”
People discuss other people all the
time. Doing so is not inherently bad, but when someone takes the opportunity to
paint an absent person in a negative light, that’s not a good sign. If one of
your friends is talking about you in a bad way, you will probably hear about it
from other people. What they have to say about you when you aren’t around is a
fair reflection of what they think about you overall. Knowing what they think
about you can help you salvage the friendship if you are interested in doing
so, but it will require cooperation on both ends.
Do not overreact to a friend making
a lighthearted joke or stating something that is true. For example, say you
aren’t on time for a get together and one of your friends says something like,
“I’m not surprised. They probably lost the car keys.” This isn’t something to
be offended by (especially if you commonly lose your car keys).
Personal and demeaning comments
rarely, if ever, fall into the lighthearted joke category. Take the same
example of being late for an outing and imagine one of your friends says
something behind your back like, “I can’t stand them. All they do is complain
about how bad their life is and bring everyone around them down. I hope they
don’t show up at all tonight.” In this case, this person is likely not a friend
anymore.
Friends advocate for one another.
This means that a real friend will support you when you need it whether it is
in public or private. If you notice a friend sticking up for you or helping you
out, they are likely a genuine friend. This can be a good sign that they are
interested in repairing the relationship, even it if it is currently on the rocks.
For example, if someone says
something rude to you and your friend diffuses the situation by saying
something like, “That’s not necessary. Let’s all be mature,” then they are
taking up for you.If your friend joins in and says something unkind to you,
they might not be as good of a friend as you thought.
If your friend has flipped sides and
become your enemy, there must be some reason. Have a conversation with them and
see exactly why the animosity has developed in your relationship. Be direct and
clear with your old friend, especially if you want to be friends again.
For example, you could say something
like “I’ve noticed that we don’t get along as well as we used to. It seems like
you aren’t very fond of me anymore. Is there a reason?”
This conversation might be best had
alone.
Once you deem a friend lost and an
enemy gained, you have to decide whether this is what you want. If you want to
rekindle the friendship, you will need to cooperate with the other person and
create active steps. If you aren’t interested in rebuilding the friendship, then
the two of you will most likely remain enemies. You could take active steps
like having breakfast together once a week to reunite.
Before deciding that the friendship
isn’t worth fixing, you might want to consider things like mutual friends
involved. You might spend a lot of time around this person whether you want to
be friends or not. In this case, it might be best to at least be on speaking
terms
If
you have a friend that you have decided is now an enemy, you need to let go of
the friendship. This means releasing the good times and the bad. This process
will likely come with a mix of good and bad feelings that you will need to sort
through. There are several ways to help yourself do this:
Create some kind of ‘moving on’
ritual. Do something that symbolizes the end of the friendship for you. Common
versions of this would be to burn or bury something that the friend gave your
or that you two shared.
Write out your feelings. This could
be in the form of a letter to your friend (don’t send it), a poem, or even just
a list of the things you are thinking and feeling.
Dwelling on the past will drain the
energy and excitement out of your life. Instead, focus on enjoying your life as
it is right now. To do this, spend time with your current friends, or go make
new ones. You can also find things that you enjoy doing alone and spend time
doing those. Practicing mindfulness can help you let go of the past
and focus on the present.
An example of something you might
enjoy doing alone could be exercising, art, or reading.You can go out to
movies, coffee shops, or the park with your friends to enjoy yourself.
If
your new enemy is an old friend, you are likely to cross paths from time to
time. Whether you still have several mutual friends or just live in the same
neighborhood, social situations could force you to tolerate each other. It is
best if this situation does not catch you off guard. Some things you can do to
prepare for an encounter are:Think about how to respond if they are
rude to you.Consider what you should do if they want to be friends again.
Practice saying what you think you
will need to say. For example, say something in front of the mirror like “I’m
well. I hope you are well, too.” If you don’t want the conversation to go any
further, you can excuse yourself.
Unless you plan to lose more than one friend,
leave mutual friends out of the drama. No one wants to be forced to pick
between you and your new enemy. They also aren’t likely to enjoy listening to
you talk badly about someone that they still consider a friend. If you need to
talk to someone about the situation or vent your frustrations, do so with a
friend that doesn’t know your former friend. You could also talk to a family
member, counselor, or other supportive figure.
If your mutual friends bring up your
new nemesis, simply change the conversation and say something like “That
situation is between the two of us. I think it’s best that I don’t involve our
friends.” Anything you say could upset your friends or find its way back to
your former friend.
An enemy that was made from a friend
is likely to be holding on to some sort of grudge. They may try to upset you or
entice you to argue and bicker with them. The best thing that you can do is
ignore any immature behaviors and focus on conducting yourself in a respectable
way. Otherwise, you will be seen as being just as childish as your enemy.
For example, if your enemy does
something like leave a nasty note in your locker, just throw it away. There is
no need to write a note back or confront them about it. Actually, you don’t
even have to read it at all.
When a social situation forces the
two of you to interact, not only should you be prepared, but you should also be
polite. Being rude will only invite your enemy to do the same. It can also ruin
the event for everyone else.
Finally, Avoid as much conversation as possible, but keep
any conversation that you do have pleasant.
For example, if you go to a mutual
friend’s birthday party, you might have to say something like, “Hi. How have
you been?” After a short exchange you can move on.
If you are rude to the other person
or complain about them being invited, you might make the whole situation
stressful on your friend who’s having the party. This will make things tense
between you and your friend.
When you do interact with your old friend,
make your boundaries clear. Though you may have to exchange pleasantries, you
do not have to entertain your enemy for long conversations or reminisce about
the ‘good old days.’ If you have no interest in rekindling the friendship, do
not agree to meet up for coffee or hang out. Politely decline the offer and
move on.
For example, your enemy might say
something like, “We used to have a lot of fun together. We should grab coffee
sometime and catch up.” You can politely respond with something like, “I’m not
sure that’s a good idea. We had a pretty rough falling out, and now we can be
in the same room peacefully. I wouldn’t want to mess that up.